Rough patch

P is in a significant regression right now. Over time, he has of course had numerous regressions. The thing about them has been that, over time, as his healing has progressed, we have seen the regressions become less frequent, less intense, and shorter-lived. This current one defies those trends. It is feeling super significant (irritating, frustrating, worrying, all-consuming...) and it has been going strong for several weeks now.

I don't have time or energy right now to go into all the details, but in a nutshell we have been dealing with renewed threats of running away (didn't feel all that serious, to be honest, but they still scare the pants off me every time); dead RAD eyes alternating with blazing angry RAD eyes; tons of RADilicious glory (dropping pencils on floor when completing very minimal schoolwork so said schoolwork takes the max time, "forgetting" how to read, lots of anxious chatter); general string of bad to very bad choices; general RAD domination of family dynamics and household activities.

I am, at this point, stringing together more less-than-stellar moments than good RAD mom moments. Have to get back on track. Everything just feels like it's snowballing right now. I've got to get my perspective and serious genuine compassion back. I have to truly see P as the hurt, scared little boy that he is. Lately I have been taking the RAD personally, and faking the compassion -- whiteknuckling on my parenting skills, if you will. And that just doesn't work.

This week we got the added blow of a call from the school principal informing us that another parent had -- for the past 1.5 weeks -- been observing P and B doing various shenanigans on their walk to school in the mornings: getting glass bottles (from where???) and smashing them in the little park near the school; fighting with each other to the point that they didn't even realize they were in the street; flipping up the windshield wipers on cars. When we talked to B last night, he also told us that P had recently been running up to the entries of a couple of apartment buildings, pushing the intercom buttons, and shouting "f*ck" and "stupid" into them. Needless to say, M and I are disappointed, frustrated, embarrassed, angry, scared, and so forth.

We immediately called and tried to get our daycare spots back. We had thought our month of simulating no daycare had been going so swimmingly with just a few bumps that we'd thought we'd ironed out. So we'd just given our two weeks' notice the day before! Ha ha ha ha. The daycare had already contacted another family about one of the spots, but thought they might possibly be able to get that spot back for us so we'd still have two. Were we serious? M assured them we were. They told him we'd hear the next morning -- that was Tuesday. Tuesday night after the boys were asleep when M and I were debriefing, regrouping, and strategizing, M said that he had very strong feelings that we shouldn't be going back to daycare. More institutionalization isn't what our kids need. I strongly agree, but I just cannot make myself available to share much in the work of walking them to/from school on a daily basis right now -- the school day doesn't start until 9 am and it lets out at 3:30 pm, and my office is 30-minute busride away. And I am not really getting enough hours at my job as it is. (Yes, I'd like some cheese to go with my whine.) M said he was willing to do all of that if necessary. I couldn't believe my ears. I kept saying "you have to be sure" because I knew we were about to jerk the daycare around again. Within a half-hour we'd finalized our decision, and M was on the phone calling the daycare to catch the director who -- as serendipity would have it -- was at the centre that evening for the annual general meeting. She had not undone the other family yet, and we could still cancel both our spots. How cool is it that M is willing to shift his schedule around and lose even more of his writing time so that we can get closer to what we think P and B need?

A week ago, P seemed to be starting to come up against some really hard realities of his past and birth mother. He started talking and asking about some moments in particular. I won't go into details in order to preserve his privacy, but these moments surround the whole issue of abandonment. It is as though his advancing logic skills are peeling away layers in the "prettier" version of the story that he has been clinging to and this results in him being confronted with "uglier" truths. It seems he's filled in gaps in the story of his past with nicer images than would be realistic and has now begun to realize that those nice images don't/can't make sense to the overall context of his life and the situations he experienced. These truths shake him. I mean that literally -- one night last weekend I actually saw him shudder while talking about something especially difficult. I imagine that he feels like his foundation is shifting beneath him, or maybe dropping away altogether. Really, I am not sure I can imagine what he feels like. I grew up with the luxury of a perfectly secure foundation and perfect rootedness.

It makes me so sad to think about what must be happening on P's inside. I am also filled with anger -- almost to the point of rage -- lately. And uncertainty as to how to help P with his emotions. And how much to tell him. M and I don't know everything, but we do still know slightly more than P does. But what he's been able to get out of us lately is not pretty, and what remains to be heard is even less so. I fear he's too young and emotionally immature to know how to process all this.

Some positives that I need to not lose sight of: This regression has not included a return to rages, and we have even seen P check/stop what were clearly initial instinctive reactions of displaced or inappropriately expressed anger -- we've seen him start to strike out disrespectfully and then find a way to express whatever it was more appropriately. That is progress. This regression has not completely staunched his ability to express his feelings. He has not been as expressive as he is now able to be, but for the extent of regression we find ourselves in, he has not regressed in this area altogether. He is still articulating some feelings, and doing so fairly willingly. This represents progress. His classroom behaviour at school has not plummeted as it usually does during regressions. He even had an all-day field trip this week (he's been known to do some pretty out-there stuff on field trips) and kept it together beautifully. This is huge progress. He is not turning entirely away from us. He is saying things like "I don't want your help" but then turning to us quickly and saying "I didn't mean that, it just slipped out." He is cuddling in and sometimes burrowing into us crying (not fake). This too is progress.

Tapping is part of our morning routine, and this morning I had P tap "Even though I feel scared and ashamed, it's going to be okay." His face crumpled over and over as he said those words. He's also been struggling to tap "I deserve fun and love and happiness" lately -- lots of itching, fidgeting, "forgetting" the phrase. But he continues to pull off 9 minutes of strong sitting just beautifully.

Related topic to let everyone know about:

I've now plowed twice through the guided imagery book that Lisa recommended. It is so on target it's not funny. M and I have a strategy all devised for starting to use GI as soon as possible and keep it up for several months. I just have to get my hands on some music that would be good as background to the "script." We'll start with stage 1 -- two GI scripts. I think played nightly (repeatedly all night long) -- only one of the scripts on any give night. We're thinking of doing that for at least a month. I know with total confidence that P and B are both going to LOVE it. Then we'll progress P to the second stage, which is going to be the most intense. Thinking of introducing this over the long December/January holidays while we've got the boys continuously with us and I do not have immediate pressures of work each day. I want to do stage 2 work with P during the days. Likely only a couple times a week. Have to see details on that when we get there. Stage 1 GIs will likely continue through the nights during Stage 2. Lisa, if you're reading, I would love your thoughts on this approach. I couldn't believe how bang on the book was for us!